The Farm Spa — Colonic (Gross)

The Farm Spa — Colonic (Gross)

When I arrived, I found out that the food at The Farm Spa is completely vegetarian and pretty much all raw (only the soups are cooked).  It is good to cleanse like this once in a while, but I’m really craving a good steak right now!!  I’ve been eating three full meals a day with fruits as snack because that is all that they have, but I’ve quickly lost 3 pounds in two days!  I wasn’t expecting to lose weight but I didn’t realise The Farm is a place where a lot of people come to in order to lose weight.  Guess that makes sense given the raw vegetarian diet and the yoga/sport sessions.  In situations like this, my sons would say, “Duhhhh, mom!”

Since I’ve been travelling quite a bit, they suggested a colemia and colonic.  I’ve done colonic a couple of times before, but never a colemia.  So I did the colemia on Thursday and today I did the colonic.  What is the difference? For the colemia, it is like a starter’s kit.  Very basic materials — you have a tube and bucket full of caffeine.  They insert a thin tube into your rectum and then the caffeine mixture flows into your colon.  The gross part is that you have to push your poo out continuously even when the tube is still inside.  You are farting (not that I do!) and pooing in front of the nurse.  It is really embarrassing!!

For the colonic, it is more sophisticated.  They have a machine which inserts warm distilled water into your colon, but you don’t have to push, the machine does it for you — so no mess and no smell.  But the downside is that they have to insert a bigger tube into your rectum.  I think the girth of the tube must have been same size as two mid-size fingers put together!  Yikes!

For both, you are supposed to let the water/caffeine into your colon as much as you can before you ask the nurse to stop the water/caffeine, so you can then release, but I was a complete wimp and could not last very long in either situation.  In both, the nurse massages your stomach lightly, but it doesn’t help, your stomach hurts like you are having really bad cramps.

The nurse said that a lot of patients can wait at least 5 minutes before they ask her to stop the water flow. Are you freakin kidding me!?  I lasted 30 seconds or less each time!  How can anyone last 5 minutes??  Their colon must be HUGE.

For the colonic, you continue to do the same thing repeatedly (water in, poo out) for 45 ridiculously long minutes!!  For the colemia, you just have to finish the bucket.  As I was doing this, I was thinking that I can’t imagine my husband doing this.  In fact, the nurse said that men are more terrified than women.

They say that it is good to do this in order to clean out your colon, which helps detoxify your body, so this means clearer skin, less bloating and less indigestion.  Okay, I did feel lighter (who wouldn’t with all that poo coming out) and I’m sure there are other good reasons to do this, but honestly, I don’t think I can do it again.  I didn’t enjoy the feeling of water or caffeine entering my colon (you can actually feel it happening).  It was extremely uncomfortable and just gross to see all that poo coming out.

As a side note, there is an episode of “My Crazy Addiction” on TLC network where a couple is addicted to doing self administered caffeine enemas.  I don’t understand why anyone would get addicted to this — but then again that show has some crazy people with weird addictions!



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